


In Case You Don't Live Forever

by PlanetaryMusical



Category: The Orville (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:08:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26072440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlanetaryMusical/pseuds/PlanetaryMusical
Summary: When the two-dimensional anomaly has a severe effect on one of his crewmembers, Ed finds himself realising that some things should not remain unspoken…Alternate scene/ending for S1E11 "New Dimensions"Songfic with "In Case You Don't Live Forever" by Ben Platt
Relationships: Kelly Grayson/Ed Mercer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	In Case You Don't Live Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Orvillians,  
> This is my first FF in the Orville Fandom. I'm actually a bit nervous because it's a bit more crowded here than over in cute Old Stump ^^ But yeah, I thought I'm gonna go for it now.  
> I actually started this story half a year ago but couldn't really get in the flow until today. I hope you like it.  
> More in the end notes :)  
> PM

  
"How is she doing?"

"She's stable. At the moment. But the meds still need to kick in properly. That's why I put her into the coma, to reduce the strain for her body until the medication works. It takes a while. But... I'm positive. She's strong."

"Yeah... She is. She's Kelly."

  
\---

It all had happened so fast. They'd just returned from their mission, John and him, relieved that they'd made it to put everything back to the ordinary, that they'd pulled the ship out despite the strong gravity of the two-dimensional world, saving them all once again. Heroically.

Damn, yeah, what a hero he was.

The crew had cheered them as they'd returned to the bridge. The smile on her face... She'd hugged him, exhaling in deepest gratefulness. He had felt it, reverberating through her chest as he'd helt her close for that moment, a moment too short for his liking. He shouldn't have let her go...

  
She'd looked at him, her smile slowly fading, mirroring on his face.

_"Kel, are you alright?"_

Her breath shivering, her face had turned pale as she'd tried to get a hold of his arms, already swaying. And then she'd broken down. 

\---

  
Ed felt like walking on ice as he approached the bed. Seeing her lying there unconsciously, all the cables attached to her chest, the oxygen tube in her mouth, the monitor above her keeping track of her vital signs. He swallowed hard as he got down on the chair beside her.

"Hey...", he whispered, gently placing his hand on her shoulder.

  
Claire sighed silently before she turned to take a look on the monitor. Stable, yes, though far from being out of the woods. But they couldn't do anything more than what they've done already. Steroids, antibiotics, stabilisers. No more options. They just had to wait and see.  
A heart attack, due to a previous infection weakening the cardiac muscle. Dysrhythmia, triggered by the recent dimensional disturbances.   
They'd all been affected by the circumstances as they slipped into the pothole for a few seconds without the artificial shield around them, they'd all come out with dizziness and nose bleeds, but Kelly...

  
Claire sighed. She should've known better, being the doctor on the ship. She should've insisted on their first officer to take some rest and cure her cold instead of giving her the second vitamin shot within a week.   
_"I'm fine, Claire. I know myself, it's just a little sneeze and exhaustion, that's all. I know it."_

Kelly had been wrong. And she, Doctor Claire Finn, should've known better.

  
But she meant what she said, right? She was confident, that Kelly would make it. Claire couldn't tell why, maybe because nothing else was possible when she thought about Commander Kelly Grayson, strong, independent, tough. A warrior, a fighter, never giving up. Or maybe because she just had to believe it... To make it come true.   
For Kelly. For the Captain. For herself. For them all.   
Because Claire couldn't stand just the thought of losing her.   
No. It couldn't be. So she had to keep her faith. No other option.

  
"I'm gonna check on my boys, Captain. It won't be long but call on me anytime if you need me."

  
"Thank you, Doctor Finn.

  
Ed closed his eyes for a moment, hearing the movement of the door behind him.

  
Had he been so blind? She'd been sick, and he hadn't even noticed it? Fair enough, Kelly had always known how to play cool when she wasn't feeling well, but he'd always seen it through. He'd always thought she could never fool him. Yet she had, this time.   
But how was it possible? Had he been focused so much on work again? On his duties? Or had he been so self absorbed, only circling around what he'd found out about his position? That she was the one who brought him here. That she had made him captain. That she was the reason he was here, now.   
With her. Unable to do anything for her.  
Damn. 

"Oh, Kel..."

He leaned closer, pushing the button on the edge the monitor to lift its stand on one side, giving him space to touch Kelly's arm.   
She did not even flinch. Like she couldn't sense anything at all.   
Ed felt the knot forming painfully in the back of his throat. 

He was scared. Yes, he was scared like he'd never been before in his life. Claire said, Kelly would make it. But how could she know?   
Yeah, she was strong, but after feeling her collapsing in his arms, after hearing himself screaming for Claire, after watching the medical team ripping off Kelly's uniform jacket and shirt to place the defibrillation pads on her chest, after the never ending asystole beep had carved itself for forever into the depths of his memory while he just had been frozen on his spot, staring helplessly...  
They had brought her back, yes. But it had been close. Damn close.   
So, yeah. He was still fucking scared.

Especially with what was stuck between them, the things unspoken...

She had hugged him as he'd returned. Her relieved face, on the screen in the shuttle as well as in person back on the ship, had shown him how much she'd wanted them to stop fighting. That she'd wanted them to be good again, after her restless attempts to talk it out, trying to convince him, that he should believe in himself, just like she'd always done as long as she'd known him.  
But he'd refused to listen. He'd kept pushing her away, desperate for proving himself worthy by declining Bortus' offer and going on that rescue mission himself. Because he truly was that "prideful ass" she'd called him in the mess hall earlier.  
Oh yes, he was. A prideful ass and a damn idiot. Once again.

  
Ed watched her breathing, the steady, solid movements of her chest, solid, but yet so fragile, that he couldn't bare to look away, fearing that every next breath could be the last. Despite the machines that were stabilising her respiration, her heart was still weak, likely to show disfunctions again. He knew, no matter the current prospects, her life was still at stake.   
And he might never get to say what he needed her to hear.  
His heart skipped a beat as the thought hit him like a punch in the gut.

He would never get to say it.   
What he had finally understood when he'd talked to John in the shuttle.

_"Kelly was right about you. She was right about a lot of things."_

And he would never get to tell her what he felt. About her. About them. Everything that was tumbling in his mind, rumbling through his heart, keeping him awake at night for so long now, even more after Darulio's visit and mysterious revelation.

What if he never ever got a chance to tell her? What if it was too late... If he didn't tell her now?

  
Ed took a deep breath, and as he raised his hand to touch her cheek, it was like he heard a distant tune, just like a silent whispering, but the words, the lyrics of that song he'd loved to listen to in his youth, were clearer to him than ever before. As if they finally made a sense. 

  
You put all your faith in my dreams  
You gave me the world that I wanted  
What did I do to deserve you?

  
"Kel... I am sorry...You were right. You've always known me better than I know myself. You always knew what I dreamed of, how much this meant to me, to be in this position. You had to face it, day by day in our marriage, when I was...When I just wasn't there."

Ed swallowed back the dull pressure crawling up his airways as he stroked back a streak of Kelly's hair.  
He thought of the countless times he had returned from another month's mission on one of the union outposts, moody, irritable, exhausted, but still not willing to put his head to rest.

  
"And yet, you brought me here. Though my restless ambition for it broke your heart?"

He thought of the endless fights following every time, words he wished he hadn't said, expressions on Kelly's face, tears in her eyes, he wished he hadn't seen.   
Scenes, memories, he had already replayed in his head over and over again during the last few months. Memories hurting even more than Kelly's cheating on him had ever hurt.   
He'd deserved it. If she was to blame at all, he'd definitely deserved it...

  
"Oh, Kelly... I will never understand that... But I... I want to say thank you. For talking to Halsey...making me captain."

  
I follow your steps with my feet  
I walk on the road that you started  
I need you to know that I heard you, every word.

Placing his left hand on her shoulder, he smiled lightly. 

"And you know what? I am so glad you are with me, here. I wouldn't have wanted any other person to be my first officer. I couldn't even imagine anyone else. And you knew that. Despite everything that happened...You knew it. What we are. You and I. Not a bad match at all... No. The best. We're clockwork, Kel. No words needed..."

Ed felt the pressure return, felt his breath getting caught in his throat as the tears appeared to his eyes, him unable to push them back. 

"But now, I can't stay silent anymore, Kel. I need you to know..." 

  
I've waited way too long to say  
Everything you mean to me  
In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now  
I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around  
In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth  
I'm everything that I am because of you

  
And then it all broke out, he didn't even try to keep at bay what was just bursting from his soul, like a burden he had carried for too long. Far too long. Sobbing shook his body for minutes, his forehead resting at her shoulder, before he was able to use his voice again. 

"I love you Kelly. I still love you and I can't deny it. No matter what really happened with Darulio, no matter what happened in the meantime, no matter what happened before... Kel, I can't stop feeling this way. For so long now I'm asking myself what if..." 

  
I, I've carried this song in my mind  
Listen, it's echoing in me  
But I haven't helped you to hear it

"What if it could be us... Again... What if we started over, you and me?"

We, we've only got so much time  
I'm pretty sure it would kill me  
If you didn't know the pieces of me are pieces of you.

"I know you can't answer me now... I don't even know if you can hear me, Kel, but... I just needed to tell you that, you know? For whatever happens... I want you to know that you made me become the person I am now. Not just captain of the Orville. I mean... You made me Ed. You gave me the strength to be myself. In every way..."

Ed wiped his eyes quickly, feeling the wave of sobs easing before his hand returned to rest on Kelly's head, thumb gently stroking her temple. 

"You remember that day when we accidentally met Lewyn Brady, that jackass who gave me hell at school? You asked me that night why I was so calm, so down, why I acted so weird when we saw him. I didn't want to tell you anything, cause I didn't want to be your sissy boyfriend, but you just pinned me down with your eyes and asked me if I ever had let it out. The tears. You said, tears never cried always keep standing in line. Even after years. They never leave until they are allowed to fall... "

Ed chuckled, feeling his eyes getting blurry again.

"I cried my damn heart out that night, remember? And you were there. You were there and held me, and cried with me and told me to never let that line go crowded again or you would really show me how to cry..."

The laughter was short and silent and it hurt but felt so relieving all in one. Like marking the point of everything being said.  
There was nothing more to say, to ask, to admit.   
Except for one last plea. One last feeling to express. One last wish to speak out. Even if it wasn't much more than a silent whisper. 

  
"Don't go. Don't leave me, Kel. Please."

His eyes resting on her face he took her hand in his, lifted it to his cheek. It didn't matter if it meant anything, changed anything, it didn't matter if she even felt it, it didn't matter for how long he might hold it or if it was the last thing he ever did. All that mattered was that he held it, right now.

As long as I'm here as I am   
so are you.

**Author's Note:**

> About the song :  
> https://youtu.be/DlkA0mOzzO4  
> I am a big fan of Ben Platt and hearing this song made me instantly think about Ed and Kelly, though Ben dedicated it to his father and uncle who inspired him to become the person he is today. That's why I didn't use the full lyrics, especially the bridge is just totally Ben and his uncle, it's nothing about Ed and Kelly and so I didn't try to make it fit at all costs.  
> :)


End file.
